Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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