Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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