I just threw up on my dentist
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
