Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
