How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
