I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
