hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
