bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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