My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
