i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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