What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
