I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
