You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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