I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
