words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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