Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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