im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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