they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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