shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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