ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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