I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
