Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
I cannot find my penis.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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