Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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