I skipped work to stalk him.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
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