I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Oh god it's open bar.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
