So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
