Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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