I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize