There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Randomize
