If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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