I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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