I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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