By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
