I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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