i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
