You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
