The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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