Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
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