I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
