She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
