Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
they call him Oral-B. enough said
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
