The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
