Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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