see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
