Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
