Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
