I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
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