did you get engaged???
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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