Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
