My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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