People with herpes should wear stickers.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
