y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
