that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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